Last year around this time I had three months before my son got here and the doctor gave my aunt roughly that long to live as her cancer was progressing,FAST. It was the most heart wrenching time of my life, after losing Logan pregnancy was nerve wrecking I just wanted him in my arms where I could see him and every pain wouldn’t send me into a frenzy, but if I wished time away I’d lose my aunt faster…I ended up losing her the week he was born, I think she knew she would never get to meet him…at first she lapped up stories of ultra sounds and was super excited to see what I had done with his room, she touched my stomach and felt him kick and discussed the importance of a good name, but later she only glanced at scans, changed the subject and even said she hopes she gets to be there for me and Aidy stopping the conversation right there…I miss her so much! especially now as I’m planning Aidan’s birthday party, she LOVED planning things and would indulge me as I spoke ad nauseum of silly things like what I wanted cake to look like-my mom on the other hand is of the, “do whatever you want Elle, I’ll support you regardless but I don’t plan so far ahead” school of organising.
The idea that my aunt never got to meet Aidan breaks my heart, when he sleeps I sometimes just hold him and cry for all the people he never got to meet like my aunt, his grandfather and his big brother … Morbid I know but all the losses were so condensed I don’t know if I ever worked through them all, this includes the friends I lost. Aahhh guess I’m just having a sad day, life has been very overwhelming of late and I find myself deeply “just leave me here with a slab of chocolate and a box of tissues” sad. Have you ever had those days when you know you have a lot to be thankful for, but things you are unthankful for like no time with your baby, no clothes that fit, comments about being fat, Your husband’s PTSD, your own depression, and so on and so forth overshadow them…I just want opt out of life every now and again and today is one of those days…I need a hug, feel free to send virtual ones.
The sun will come out tomorrow. . . Just venting 😉
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