So today marks the end of week 26 for Aidan which in Logan’s life marked his birth and shortly after, his death…I was 26 when all that happened. 26 divided by  two is 13 that’s the date of my birthday shortly after Logan died, just a few days after his funeral, I had my life celebrated while his death haunted.

Today is my sister’s birthday, it’s a Friday-start of the weekend, and two wonderful women I know gave birth this week, but today while many of the people I know smile, I fight back tears and shout at my inner being to be strong! Be strong damit!

I get kicked every few minutes in an effort from Aidan to remind me that he is still here, things are not the same…I’m not in pain, I’m not being rushed to the emergency room watching doctors check my vital signs  while trying to keep me calm meanwhile hiding their own shock and sadness. Nurses are not putting on a “brave face” for my benefit and these playful kicks are not our last.

I’m a logical person, I realize that my day is set to be spent at my desk slogging away at the daily grind, but I feel the message hasn’t gotten through to my heart…an insignificant little tiff with family has set my heart aflutter, something that would have been met with a stern disposition and a sly smile when I’m proved right (which I am) has been met with nothing but heart wrenching sobs, I recon I could cry for days if I started…or should I say restarted right now…sob like I did the night alone in my hospital room while longing for human interaction and overhearing  nursing staff whisper that I needed to be alone… Today I want to be left alone (no chance of that) I want to beat my chest and say it’s not fair, the loss is not fair, the pain is not fair, the fear is not fair, the flash backs are not fair, but then again when was life ever fair. . .

I know this post sounds like the cry of a desperate woman who should be on suicide watch, but it’s not, sometimes I’m just filled with so much emotion I need to purge through a keyboard I need to shout out at the world I AM NOT OK, in order to be OK… and as long as Aidan is healthy I’m OK

(picture fanpop.com)