I suffer from depression and anxiety and today I have a social hangover… It’s a thing, Google it. It’s the exhaustion, the dehydration, the lack of energy that comes from a night of binge drinking, only you didn’t drink you just spent too much time socializing.

My reluctance to get out of bed prompted this blog post because I realise how crazy it might seem to someone who does not quite get it.

I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety when I was at University. I remember hanging out with my friends one night and telling them that I was going on meds and it might change me and that I needed their support… I got their support, not their understanding so much (and I don’t blame them) but they tried and for that I will always be grateful.

Lately I’ve been battling again… And I realised something strange, I’ve developed anxiety about my anxiety….just what I needed… People are always throwing so much shade on the internet and in person: it’s so cool/hip to be busy and needing some down time because your internal bully came to visit hardly seems “real”.

Although I was diagnosed after becoming suicidal in my late teens early 20s (letting all the files out today hey…) my anxiety started loooooong before that.

I was an anxious kid. My grandmother’s neighbours could tell you tales of the girl who walked against the fence. I walked home from school and the moment my friends turned off in different directions I’d walk against the neighbours fences keeping my eyes to the ground. I’d also walk and read, like some suburban Belle from Beauty and the Beast.

Why am I telling you this? Well I found myself on a Sunday morning (that’s now by the way) after a day of being surrounded by strangers at two different events, I found myself struggling to get out of bed. Granted, my slow healing husband and both parents recent stints in the hospital and us awaiting Aidan’s blood tests are adding to my stress.

My heart feels heavy, I feel small… I worry about crap! Apart from all the feelings of physical “unable to can” I wonder…

– Did I talk too much, I always talk too much
– Was I too bubbly, people hate that
– Did my need to find humor in a situation annoy someone, offend someone
– Someone kept cutting me off mid sentence, someone kept talking over me, why am I so boring
– Flip why am I so awkward
– I must be such an embarrassment to my husband and child

So why am I sharing this? No I don’t need attention, actually I don’t thrive on attention (maybe some affirmation, lol) why do you think I’m always a featured artist in projects never the lead?…

I’m not trying to get your sympathy either. Guys I have a whole box of things I could unpack if I wanted to do a sympathy tour, but I don’t… Soooo

So I’m sharing this for those who don’t understand anxiety. Who don’t know why their friends would cancel last minute (panic attacks are scary as heck). They don’t know how their friends are so tired (even friends who don’t have traditional full time jobs or a brood of children). Why a friend would need to see the guest list for a party to mentally prepare.

Anxiety makes no sense. Not to you the onlooker and certainly not to the person with all the feels… So many feelings… It’s actually quite boring to be catching feelings people aren’t even throwing at you.

But ja, I know anxiety has become very buzz wordy. Like the mental health equivalent of celeb onset gluten intolerance.

I don’t know people’s stories but I do know a little kindness goes a long way. So, if your friend needs to take a “me day” because anxiety has her/him down and out, take a page out of my husbands book, he just brought me coffee and the message “take as much time as you need, I’m inside when you need me”

Sometimes people just need a social detox and that’s fine, tomorrow they will be up and at em but today…

Let’s just be kind, you don’t have to understand something to not be a douche about it (that should be on a t-shirt)