An overdue apology
I am so sorry you feel like things are not going your way right now.
I’m sorry that your battle with depression and anxiety has you down again.
I’m sorry that most nights you can’t sleep due to nightmares, nightmares you don’t even remember the next day.
I’m sorry for the guilt that eats at you because you have an amazing husband and wonderful son and you know you should be grateful, but all you can be is sad. Despite the fact that they couldn’t be more perfect for you if you created them with a Buzzfeed quiz, you can’t just BE HAPPY.
I’m sorry for the anxiety, I’m sorry that it’s mostly linked to other people, how they make you feel or how you perceive that you make them feel. I’m sorry that you over-analyse anxiety causing conversations over and over again , every word, every vocal inclination.
I’m sorry that your fear of hurting someone else can manifest in physical pain…imagine migraines and vomiting because you fear you offended someone, someone who has long forgotten you.I’m sorry anxiety is a right out pain in the behind and that over analysing seemingly simple things give you sleepless nights.
I’m sorry that you don’t feel like you can talk to anyone about it because they just tell you to “be strong”, “pray”, “don’t let things bother you”…and you sit there thinking…actually that is what I spend most of my day being and doing. I’m sorry that you fear speaking to anyone (even blogging it) because you fear being labeled as a self-involved drama queen again.
Dear Eleanor, I’m sorry that you feel betrayed by your body. Just as you finally forgave your body for betraying you before, for not being able to take care of your unborn child and for gaining a ridiculous amount of weight, despite your minuscule food intake. Now it’s declared sugar a poison and refuses to absorb the vitamins you need to “keep you going” which means you now have to keep going for injections.
I’m sorry that at 31 you feel like you need to reevaluate your career choices. You had to close the business you love because your health was not on your side and neither was time. Now you hope that the three jobs you are holding (instead of 5) will be enough to make ends meet while you reevaluate.
I’m sorry for all this but I know that this won’t get you down.
You survived so much more than this in your life.
Depression with suicidal thoughts, friends betraying you, boyfriends betraying you, the loss of your first born child, your husband losing his job, you losing the contract you left your job for, serious health scares…
I beg of you Eleanor, right now, don’t look up at how much further you need to go, look down look at how many steps you have already taken, give yourself a high five and keep going…
GIRL YOU GOT THIS!!!