I think I might be jealous, this is difficult to admit, but I can’t help myself…
Rob and I are looking at tomb stones for our baby boy and it hurts, I want to be looking at strollers and cute baby things like other moms get to.
While my heart aches to fix up his nursery I instead have to get his grave site all neatened up.
I’m jealous that I don’t get to creep up to his crib and watch him sleep and instead have to be ok with just five pictures which mostly make me cry.
I realise I’m jealous because I get annoyed when parents don’t appreciate their bundles of joy and I was upset when the medical centre phoned to set up a hearing test for him. Instead of bundling him up and taking him for check ups I have to tell strangers that he is gone and that upsets me.
Like other mom’s I want to show off how cute he is, how smart,how loved, but I don’t have any of that and I’m jealous.
They say step one of recovering is admitting you have a problem so that is it, I’m jealous! I realise he is in heaven and I’m even jealous of the angels who get to cuddle him and sing to him, because I want to be the one to do that.
On the other hand, I’m happy for all the moms I know, because I know how much their kids mean to them, but in the end I’m only human, I’m fallible. I want to beat my chest and ask where is my happy ever after?! How did my fairytale only last one day?! Where is the justice in that?!
Then my husband gives me a big bear hug and I realise I still have Prince, My parents come check in AGAIN and I realise I still have my Guardian “angels”, Friends and strangers reach out and it feels like I have all these fairies surrounding me with their magic (every time they pray on our behalf) and I think maybe my fairytale isn’t over?
I mean some of the best stories, the ones with the best happily ever afters, started with the most tears…and judging by my current heartache I should be due for something amazing in the future. . .