It’s my birthday tomorrow…I’ll be 27 and I’m supposed to be happy. I’m not though, not that I’m sad, I’m nothing really, tired maybe?
I looked at what I blogged last year around this time, my problems were basic, I was broke, bored and really chubby, but I was happy really happy it seems.
Months later I got pregnant and became even happier and happier and also really big and moody, but my future looked so much brighter suddenly.
In six months I had changed what I wanted out of life and I became Logan’s mom as soon as a second line appeared on the stick…
Now on the eve of my birthday entering a new year without Logan/Logie/Log on/the Logan nest monster (what Rob and I referred to him as) I wonder will I ever be happy again?
I was happy before I got pregnant why does life after pregnancy seem so sad now?
I feel better in many ways, but noticed my eyes are still sad, I laugh, I smile, I chat, but when I look in the mirror this sad girl looks back at me, so much sorrow, I don’t really recognise her.
I keep hoping it’s just the fact that I’m still healing physically (giant staples down my stomach) and I’m basically drugged out of my mind half the day…
Seeing Robin so sad hurts too, love is a funny thing, I just want him to be ok, think I’ve convinced myself that as soon as he can smile again I will get my own smile back (scary thing is I think he is subconsciously waiting for my smile first)…
truth is our lives have changed, this little man with the cutest little nose and rosebud lips took a giant chunk of both our hearts when he left and now we are left needing to rebuild…
We want another baby, we both really do, not to replace Logan (he is always going to be our first born and have a place in our lives), but because we truly want to be parents.
But before that I need to heel physically (this is going to take a few months) and we need to heel emotionally (we starting therapy this week)
Logan’s crib and so on is being donated to charity and the room which was going to be a nursery is going to be a study for now, both of us are going to study further and I am going to work on this blog (my happy place) and get involved in a support group (my healing place)…
…But if I’m honest, it’s mostly to pass the time while we subconsciously wait for a little miracle of our own, a toothless little face to share all this love we still have to give…and who knows next year when I look back at this birthday post, I might be doing it from behind a baby bump with a smile on my face (a smile I intend to get back regardless of if or how our family grows)…
HEY LOOK AT THAT…typing all of this has already made me feel a little better 🙂
Happy birthday to me . . .
