You know how when you subscribe to an e-mail newsletter or some cellphone service, you can “opt out” “unsubscribe” when you have had enough? Well why doesn’t grief have that option. I don’t want to forget my son I just would like to stop reliving the pain every morning so if at all possible can I “opt out” of the nightmares.
The latest nightmare is of Logan’s birthday/ baptism /some special occasion, where people keep showing up to the house, sending gifts and phoning and over and over and over again I have to explain that he is no longer alive, my son passed away, he only lived two days…Over and over and over I have to repeat the sentiment… and then to add injury to insult, I get to wake up to the reality that I am in fact living my nightmare, at least once a day I have to explain he is gone and with a heart that is still struggling to come to terms with my new reality, this is not pleasant.
I’ve always been a pretty intense person, even as a child. I was never sad, I was devastated, I was never happy, I was elated, even little crushes were epic love stories in my head. Maybe that’s why this is so difficult maybe that’s why I feel like my soul is in this dark pit of despair.
I’ve suffered from depression since my late teens, but even that has nothing on how I feel now, with depression I kinda got used to being a certain level of sad, it became common place, almost comforting, but grief is completely different. I always saw grief as this tunnel you go through, you start at the darkest point and as you walk through it becomes more illuminated and by the time you emerge on the other side, the darkness is firmly behind you and you bask in the light of the new day. But it’s not like that at all!!!! Its more like being in a boat in a sea of emotions, one moment everything seems fine, the water is calm and you can see yourself navigating to the other side, then suddenly without warning you are shaken by a storm, you hold on for dear life, white knuckles trying to steer through the murky waters. You never know how long the storms will last or how your boat will react to the abuse this time, then suddenly calm again, you tentatively release your grip off whatever you have chosen to cling to and try the steering thing again only to be surprised by summer showers.
This morning was a bit of  storm, I woke up with the Logan shaped hole in my heart aching and the logical side of my brain searching for a way to make it ok 🙁
Sometimes there is no way to make it ok I guess, sometimes there is no getting over something, only going through it.