Missing what could have been

I miss Logan a lot today, missed him even more  last night, I can’t help but wonder what he would have been like- two weeks shy of the 7 month mark – would he be grabbing at things and smiling at me, would he be a handful or a quiet little thing.

I stare at his photos and videos and it breaks my heart that, that is IT, I had the 6th of March with him nothing more L

I used to be one of those people who cared A LOT about what other people thought, not so much anymore (losing so many people you care about will do that to you), I can imagine a few people rolling their eyes and thinking “get over it already” and quite frankly it is their prerogative to think that way. I can’t expect anyone who hasn’t lost their newborn baby to understand the woulda, coulda, shoulda that plagues my mind daily.

I know I sound paranoid and many people are thinking, “surely people aren’t that mean Eleanor” but you would be shocked at the comments I get, the advice pertaining to forgetting what happened and moving on, not “dwelling” and the thinly veiled references to feeling better after I have “replaced him”. Surely kids aren’t interchangeable, we are three siblings and I like to think that if I died, the words, “hey at least I still have two other children” or “Guess we will make another Eleanor” would never cross my mothers lips. It’s the same for me, my love for Logan is not transferable.

Granted I did not know him for that long, but its more than long enough to form that unmistakable mother child bond that keeps me up nights reminiscing of his angelic face.

I MISS HIM SO MUCH…I go about my day to day and I’ve learnt to cope. With the amount of pregnancies, baby showers and births around me, how could I not, but some days the longing hits me like a ton of bricks.

I don’t know if it’s because we made final decision regarding his headstone, or if it is because I’m nearing the end of my first trimester with his sibling, but all I know is I miss my baby…My aunt and I were talking about the seasons of your life, the winter, summer, autumn and spring time and how things have a way of “getting better” I feel like losing Logan was not just your average winter, it was a icy cold one where I got frostbite and lost a bunch of toes and will walk with a limp for the rest of my life.

I’ll learn to live, learn to cope, but that limp will always be slightly visible and today those scars HURT



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