Sometimes I think I miss the early stages of grieving…I miss it being completely okay to break down because “it is still raw and you’re allowed to lose it a little”.
I also feel like giving birth while my God mother was being buried robbed me of grieving for her so there is a deep sadness inside me which I’ve kind of missed the “statute of limitation” on.
I don’t often feel like I’m allowed to grieve her or Logan but this time of the year (the time 4 and 3 years ago when I lost them) I give myself some me time some time when being sad is 100% okay
Logan is gone 4 years today…I now have a happy family and I should be satisfied and just move on… it’s hard though, I spend the whole year putting it all out of my head hardly thinking about the could haves and would haves and then his birthday rolls around and I’m annoyed.
It annoys me that I just never got to actually spend any time with my own child.
I want to scream that it’s all very unflippen fair, but I don’t because I imagine people are thinking “Omw get over it” or “are we still on this” or “everyone has problems, you’re not special” and naturally “death is a part of life”
Sometimes it’s actual looks and comments I get and other times it’s in the plain ignoring and forgetting and saying things like “so and so lost a child could you imagine how terrible” (I kinda can) or “you have a new life now put the past in the past” or the glazed over “let’s move this convo along” look.
I don’t want to be babied, honestly don’t baby me! it’s gonna get awkward! I’m going to make an off colour joke (which I do when I’m nervous) and it will be all lets look away and laugh uncomfortably.
All I’m asking is let me be miserable today. Look at the child you have or think of the child you long to have and then imagine them snatched away and buried in a little white box before you could catch your breath and then cut me some slack.
Yes time heals all wounds but this isn’t a wound it’s my child and today I chose to miss him.
Picture from: http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/