Today I chose to be a little sad

Sometimes I think I miss the early stages of grieving…I miss it being completely okay to break down because “it is still raw and  you’re allowed to lose it a little”.
I also feel like giving birth while my God mother was being buried robbed me of grieving for her so there is a deep sadness inside me which I’ve kind of missed the “statute of limitation” on.
I don’t often feel like I’m allowed to grieve her or Logan but this time of the year (the time 4 and 3 years ago when I lost them) I give myself some me time some time when being sad is 100% okay
 Logan is gone 4 years today…I now have a happy family and I should be satisfied and just move on… it’s hard though, I spend the whole year putting it all out of my head hardly thinking about the could haves and would haves and then his birthday rolls around and I’m annoyed.
It annoys me that I just never got to actually spend any time with my own child.
 I want to scream that it’s all very unflippen fair, but I don’t because I imagine people are thinking “Omw get over it” or “are we still on this” or “everyone has problems, you’re not special” and naturally “death is a part of life”
Sometimes it’s actual looks and comments I get and other times it’s in the plain ignoring and forgetting and saying things like “so and so lost a child could you imagine how terrible” (I kinda can) or “you have a new life now put the past in the past” or the glazed over “let’s move this convo along” look.
I don’t want to be babied, honestly don’t baby me! it’s gonna get awkward! I’m going to make an off colour joke (which I do when I’m nervous) and it will be all lets look away and laugh uncomfortably.
All I’m asking is let me be miserable today. Look at the child you have or think of the child you long to have and then imagine them snatched away and buried in a little white box before you could catch your breath and then cut me some slack.
Yes time heals all wounds but this isn’t a wound it’s my child and today I chose to miss him.
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5 thoughts on “Today I chose to be a little sad

  1. Cass says:

    This year May will be 12 years since I lost my daughter and while time is meant to heal wounds, its a different story when its your child. You entitled to be sad today, you entitled to grieve Logon when you need to. I would love to say it gets easier, but I still have a sad day on her birthday. Hang in there *hugs*

  2. Chereen says:

    I can't even imagine the pain and heartache of having to bury a child, and I honestly don't think it's something someone could ever get over. You're well within your rights to miss and grieve Logan – today and every single day. Sending lots of love to you and your family xxx

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