In honour of child loss month (October) and day (today) I thought I would share this resource I stumbled across… A website for that unthinkable moment when your friend losses their child and you don’t know what to say. Sadly (although I’m happy to help) I have been asked way to many times (one baby is to many, mind you) what to do in this situation…and honestly I don’t always know… so this free e-book might just help (click on the picture to go to the site)
From my personal experience (and I know everyone is different) these are things to keep in mind.
1. The child who passed away is important to your friend, as important as your living breathing (if you have any) one is to you, do not underplay that.
2. Whether it was miscarriage, still birth, neonatal death (like with Logan) or SIDS the pain is very real, do not under play it.
3. Allow your friend to talk about her child if she wants to or be quiet if she doesn’t, everyone grieves differently.
4. The loss is the father’s too, don’t forget that.
5. This is not something you “get over” don’t tell them they will, or expect them to, they will get through, yes, but getting over implies it was a little stumbling block, a child is not a stumbling block.
6. Years later (it’s going on three for me) the pain dulls but what happened never truly goes away. You had a baby, a living breathing child that died, parents are not supposed to bury their kids, that kind of pain hits you in the stomach every now and again, usually when you least expect it.
7. New children are not replacements!!! repeat after me, “I will not insinuate that my friend’s rainbow is a replacement”.
8. Remembering their child on his/her birthday or Christmas is not a nasty reminder, it shows you care, she/he remembers anyway so you are not opening wounds.
9. Put yourself in their shoes… if someone said that to you would you slap them? if yes, don’t say it.
10. Your friend could be a little over protective over their subsequent or remaining children…remember it comes from a good place
11. There is nothing wrong with a down day, down days are like recharge days so your friend can face the tomorrows without their child.
Please not that I am not a grief counsellor, this is just from my heart as a grieving mom. I know everyone is different but this is what I found and I hope it helps