When your friend’s baby dies

In honour of child loss month (October) and day (today) I thought I would share this resource I stumbled across… A website for that unthinkable moment when your friend losses their child and you don’t know what to say. Sadly (although I’m happy to help) I have been asked way to many times (one baby is to many, mind you) what to do in this situation…and honestly I don’t always know… so this free e-book might just help (click on the picture to go to the site)

From my personal experience (and I know everyone is different) these are things to keep in mind.


1. The child who passed away is important to your friend, as important as your living breathing (if you have any) one is to you, do not underplay that.
2. Whether it was miscarriage, still birth, neonatal death (like with Logan) or SIDS the pain is very real, do not under play it.
3. Allow your friend to talk about her child if she wants to or be quiet if she doesn’t, everyone grieves differently.
4. The loss is the father’s too, don’t forget that.
5. This is not something you “get over” don’t tell them they will, or expect them to, they will get through, yes, but getting over implies it was a little stumbling block, a child is not a stumbling block.
6. Years later (it’s going on three for me) the pain dulls but what happened never truly goes away. You had a baby, a living breathing child that died, parents are not supposed to bury their kids, that kind of pain hits you in the stomach every now and again, usually when you least expect it.
7. New children are not replacements!!! repeat after me, “I will not insinuate that my friend’s rainbow is a replacement”.
8. Remembering their child on his/her birthday or Christmas is not a nasty reminder, it shows you care, she/he remembers anyway so you are not opening wounds.
9. Put yourself in their shoes… if someone said that to you would you slap them? if yes, don’t say it.
10. Your friend could be a little over protective over their subsequent or remaining children…remember it comes from a good place
11. There is nothing wrong with a down day, down days are like recharge days so your friend can face the tomorrows without their child.

Please not that  I am not a grief counsellor, this is just from my heart as a grieving mom. I know everyone is different but this is what I found and I hope it helps

Remembering little lives lost

October is a lot of things…it’s pink month in aid of breast cancer awareness, it’s Ocsober to promote sobriety and even Rocktober in some places..
Although cancer and alcoholism are both issues close to my heart, this month means something else to us, it’s Pregnancy and Childloss month…A month to reflect on all the little ones who spent only a moment in their parents arms but a lifetime in their hearts.
On National childloss day, Oct 15th, we are urged to light a candle for our fallen angels…This project goes on around the world in an attempt to keep a light going across the globe  for 24 hours.
Although most parents aren’t quite as vocal as I am regarding child loss statistics show that there are a growing number of us greaving parents, so even if you personally haven’t lost a baby why not light a candle and remember someone who had their light put out too soon 🙂 I will be lighting not only for Logan but for the amazing women and their families I haven met on my journey

*on a different note I strongly believe in the power of prayer so please pray for me as I get my test results today.. it’s a third set of tests trying to pin point why I have been so sick lately. Seriously tying Aidan’s shoe feels like a 5km race. Everything exhausts me and I have had a headache for about a month now…I just want them to find something so I can deal with it…I don’t need easy just possible

You never really get over losing a child-that’s just how it is

It’s been two years four months and one day since Logan died…
I’m not writing this to get sympathy or attention or for any other reason than I woke up thinking about him.
Sometimes it’s like 2012 just never happened like I was never pregnant before Aidan, that I didn’t have a whole other child that I had hopes and dreams for.
 Sometimes I forget that the room Aidan sleeps in was once decorated for another. That my journey to motherhood precedes my curly haired munchkin.
There is a lot of guilt associated with “momentarily forgetting”…When people ask if Aidan is my first child, my only child, I find myself far over thinking the whole situation.
What should I say, what do I say?!?!
Is feeling that I am denying Logan worse than the looks of pity? Do I really want to “get into that”.
People tend to think you are dwelling on the situation if you bring up your deceased child, like you are not getting over it.
That’s why I hardly bring him up these days I just can not be bothered with the likes of “people” these days.
People like that clearly never lost a child. They question why, if he didn’t live all that long, can I be so attached? well if you are a parent, I urge you to think back to the day that your bundle of joy was placed into your arms, remember the euphoria, the excitement, the feeling of joy NOW imagine that ripped away….that heart wrenching pain, that dull feeling isn’t all that “get over able” trust me.
There is an emptiness that follows you from that day, like a 1000 piece puzzle with one piece missing. yes you have 999 pieces and you can see the whole picture BUT the picture is not complete, it will never be 100% complete again…

Don’t get me wrong I feel blessed beyond measure to have Aidan in my life. I know so many women do not get the chance to be mothers even though their hearts yearn for the opportunity. I understand that. I get that. but all in all, all things aside, there is a Logan shaped piece missing from my puzzle and that will always sting.
Didn’t mean to be a downer this morning, but I’m nothing if not honest 🙂 have a good Tuesday everyone

What a long road we have traveled…

So this weekend Aidan went to Logan’s grave for the first time.
No I don’t have some freaky “morbid need” for them to “play together” we just like to check that things are still okay and this time we took Aidy with…he was super comfy there and it tugged at my heartstrings seeing him put his hand by the etched hand of his brother..
We don’t take flowers to Logan’s grave-prefer to leave a little toy,replacing it when it gets destroyed/stolen- and funny thing is, Aidy didn’t even try to play with the toy plane which was placed to mark 2years…instead he just played with the gravel…
Technically we were at the cemetery for my aunt though…it was unveiling of her gravestone and standing there reminded me of how she was diagnosed with cancer around about the time I found out I was pregnant and how she tried to hold on to meet Aidan. That was not meant to be though and Aidan was born the eve of her funeral……Life can be so dramatic sometimes.
She’s out of pain now though, and for that I am glad(although I miss her deeply) and I knw she is with us in spirit as this coming weekend we celebrate Aidan’s first birthday.
Aidan celebrating his first birthday fills my heart with soooo much Joy! Who knew a broken heart could love this hard…


To Logan on what should have been his birthday

Today should have been Logan’s second birthday, instead it marks a two year journey I didn’t think in my wildest dreams I would have to take…

I’m feeling a little tender today and am wearing both my “Logan-Too beautiful for earth” necklace and my “I love my baby-Logan” bracelet in an effort to keep him close (don’t wear it all that often anymore) I really hope the day slips by pretty uneventfully, I just want to go home so I can lay a rose or a little toy car on his grave as acknowledgement of the day.

…to everyone reading this give your living babies an extra hug today, I know I will…

March into March

March scares me! Your birthday month is supposed to be joyous, but mine scares me! This month (Thursday to be exact) should be when we celebrate Logan’s birthday but instead we commemorate 2 years since his death the next day…March is also a year since my Godmother died without getting to meet Aidan, in fact I was in hospital with him during her funeral…now this March another aunt whom I’m extremely close to is due for an operation and as we pray for her health and reminisce on those lost I find myself scared and cautious, I don’t want it, no the whole idea makes me want to opt out…I get a lump in my throat and a sudden bout of “hay fever” just thing about it…so wake me up in april b4 aidan’s birthday(still lots to do) but after all these trigger dates which await me like a movie where you know the ending is sad but can’t help but watch anyway and cry, AGAIN…..
But then again I can’t think or live like that, for the first time in years my birthday is looming and I’m not sick, we haven’t lost anyone and I have something to look forward 2…yeah this March – I pray – will be the turning point….NO FEAR JUST FAITH! ….
Love you always Logan and Aunty Eunice :'(