Dear friend, I’m sorry I’m a sucky friend

I’m a sucky friend, not by design, not on purpose, but in the same breath I’m not likely to do much to change it right now. Not out of spite, just out of not being sure how I would.

I did not always have many friends, then suddenly God was like hey open your eyes and I realised how lucky I was, how extremely blessed I was in the friendship department…the thing is I don’t know that I’m as much of a blessing myself.

I know that since my friends are all really great and dear to my heart they would all (mostly all) say no Eleanor you don’t suck BUT….

I’m always the one “catching up” on whattsapp group convos, always! Sometimes it’s because my phone battery is utter crap, other times it’s because I’m not in a wifi area and don’t have data but honestly sometimes I just don’t have krag (energy)

I don’t want to just throw a bunch of LOL’s at you when I can’t commit to reading the joke. I don’t want to be “hugs hun” when I didn’t follow the story, so I wait it out till I can actually give you my full attention and chat, which isn’t as often as it should be.

I hardly ever start a convo, it’s not that I don’t miss you or don’t want to chat it’s just that I’ve been so busy and tired lately, I know how the convo would go and you deserve better than…

Me: Hey

You: Hey u

Me: How have you been

You: *typing*

Me:

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I don’t pop around for coffee – like we keep promising each other – The thing is, I leave home at six and get home at six, then log on to my other jobs, my coffee is best administered intravenously.

I also live “out of town” so a quick drop by needs to start with a 50 minute drive (and I hate drive and  I can’t see at night ) I know I sound like I’m making excuses and if I threw in a (I don’t see all that many of you making the trek in this direction, I would just make it worse) but thing is, it is what it is.

If I was a better friend I’d manage my time better, and I’d manage my finances  better (for the petrol aspect). I’m sorry.

I’m sorry that I miss events and parties because I’m always hustling or just so tired from hustling , that I struggle to be a person.

I use my down time to hang with my boys – good excuse.

Other times I just watch Netflix till I pass out – bad excuse.

Honestly I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired and my wallet is tired of being empty.

I know that if I tried a little harder, threw washing in the machine later, tidy up earlier I could make it for drinks but honestly sometimes I am just “unable to can” and I apologise.

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I apologise for being so damn distracted, for not sending the number I promised I would, for not getting back to you or meeting for that cup of coffee.

I’m sorry that I was so caught up in feeling hurt that you don’t seem to give a damn about what’s going on in my life or what is important to me in the moment, that I spitefully act like I don’t care about what’s important to you.

I do care, I really do. I care and am always secretly checking up, but I don’t always reach out because I don’t want to “half ass it” so I just don’t even “ass it”. (is that a thing?)

My anxiety and my work load are both through the roof at the moment and family commitments are on top of the roof looking down at me. I’m not making excuses, I’m not trying to justify, I just want to kind of give my side of the story.

The story I tell myself when I’m crying into my pillow because I’m a sucky friend who forgot a birthday, a sucky friend who can never get around to getting around to people.

Does it help if I told you that I haven’t gotten around to the Dr (despite two weeks of a suspected chest infection) or physio (after the little car mishap) either and I mean I pay them and you know I hate to waste money.

I really am sorry though,  please know that I’m here.

Please know that I’m still the girl who will drop anything for you. I am ready to fight your cause, sign up for that petition or help you do something/make something. I’m an ear in the middle of the night . I just won’t initiate things because I’m probably busy passing out or oversleeping.

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Please know, I’m here, I’m more than willing to help, sometimes I’m just a little bit of a sucky friend. But I am working on it 🙂

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7 thoughts on “Dear friend, I’m sorry I’m a sucky friend

  1. Laverne says:

    This is my perpetual state of late. Thanks for sharing. Makes me feel less crappy about being crappy because I am NOT alone.

  2. Nadine Larter says:

    Darling love… I think it might just be where we all are in life right now… a lot of our realities look just like yours. You’re not alone my sweet. It’s our age. The age of our children. That sort of stuff. We all need to just understand and give each other a break on the friendship obligations front.

  3. Melissa Javan says:

    Your excuses are VERY VALID. I mean just the fact that you have other jobs after six pm; YOH.
    You are a machine mos. I find that I also catch up on friends’ whatsapp convo’s because I’d rather read more about blogging or other people’s blogs or I’m busy with a Twitter chat while I am watching my kid destroy the living room area. That and cooking. I’m making invalid excuses here 🙂 You’re a great friend – just the fact that you wrote this post means you are…

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