Couldn’t sleep…I have too many thoughts, like how in the past seven years I lost so many people close to me that I can actually make myself sob uncontrollably with a few well placed memories.
Friend, Son, friend, father in law, friend, God mother, friend,almost son again and then, friend, friend and grandfather …
These are only the ones I lost through death, don’t get me started on the people I used to see all the time, the ones whose “season” has passed in my life, but who I still think of and see living their best lives without checking for me in their rearview mirror(thanks social media).
I don’t blame them, I know that we’re at the age where casual hook ups require date book planning, babysitters and petrol money, I get it, problem is, I feel it.
I also still “feel” the people who hurt me, but who I could never tell because. A. They’d think me petty B. I don’t want to hurt them with my hurt C. I’m not without blame
Another thought, If you breakup with your boyfriend it’s socially acceptable to mourn, but when your friend leaves you for greener pastures, for a new city and a new job, sadness seems selfish, but it’s not really your choice, all these feelings I mean.
Similarly if you loose a family member or someone you are obviously close to mourning is expected, but when your friendship was “just yours” it’s difficult.
It’s difficult to explain how bollywood movies make you deeply sad because you and a friend used to mxit about them, how you couldn’t do fashion week events anymore because your partner in crime is no more, you find yourself saying “she taught me that”, but don’t want to sound like you are high jacking a story that was only very very partially yours…
You don’t feel entitled to your grief because you’re not the sister, the daughter, the bestie… You are just someone who used to chat to this person on your own time, you don’t have hoards of social media pictures with them, but the memories and conversations can’t be ignored….
I have names on my WhatsApp and FB messenger who will forever stay blue ticked, I have coffee that was never grabbed and questions never answered and on nights like these when insomnia hits me and grief grabs me, I wonder how many other people can relate.
Any way just checking has any one else felt this way… Like you have to hurt in mute?
And before I go I want to say their names out loud the friends who have touched my heart and who I quite frankly grieve despite not being their inner circle. Everyone knows about Logan, uncle Arnold and Aunty Eunice. But few know the sadness I carry for: Bianca Harper, Michaela Bhana, Mso Vilakazi, Aidan Louis and Claricia Coeries
Gosh even as I type that, I fear that I am causing disrespect, making their stories mine and taking their families pain as my own, but I’m not… We loved in our way and I grieve in mine.
Rest in peace beautiful souls, gone but not forgotten.