I’m done proving myself

My name is Eleanor Douglas-Meyers and up until sometime yesterday, I would have loved your approval.

I mean it’s only been 32 years of please love me!

But as a short, boskop  girl who rolls her R’s this wasn’t a given… but I’m not gonna go into that here… I already did on Ruth’s Blog.

Yesterday I reached a point where yet another person doubted my capabilities. Yet another person looked at me and thought surely she isn’t man/woman enough. Surely she hasn’t proven herself…but thing is I have

When I got my first newspaper column at 20, people wanted to know; why her?. When at 22 I was a lifestyle reporter with a tiny frame and bubbly personality my editor was questioned about my abilities. When I was asked to go to Brazil for fashion week people asked what I knew. When I moved to do layout and design I was watched like a hawk in case I mess up. When I did video eyes widened in shock that I could edit (I was one of the top students in my year actually) when I went back to write again people were surprised that my stories would make front page. I quit my full time job and people freaked out, but it’s over two years now and I am yet to go to bed hungry.

Time and time again I worked extra hard, later hours, less pay and “proved my worth”

It’s not that I can’t take criticism…I am not beyond reproach in the slightest but there is a difference between wanting to help me and “wanting to help me”

I know we all have to prove our worth in things, show what you’re capable of. But the shock and awe you get from completing a task get’s old. Even a dog wants a “good boy” now and again, especially if you have him fetching the same damn ball over and over and he has now proven that he can fetch a damn ball. In fact he has fetched so many other things, done so many things but you don’t want to acknowledge any of that, nope, you don’t care that the dog works with the fire department or blind people, nope you are fixated on the damn ball.

I feel like reciting that scene in colour purple about fighting my whole life… (but it’s not that serious)

Yesterday someone suggested I get help for one of the projects I’m currently working on. Informed me about concerns that it is an awfully big task for lil old me and  I realised F IT.

I’m done…from now on it’s not my responsibility to make people take me seriously- my efforts clearly have not worked up til now…

So, I’m just gonna pray and slay and I’m gonna stay nice and stay bubbly and actually… If you don’t like it...u too can suck it

Disclaimer…okay so I don’t want approval but I still like likes so please follow me on social media 😉 Facebook Twitter Instagram – pick your poison

Love you guys! appreciate you guys! have a great weekend

23 thoughts on “I’m done proving myself

  1. Leolynn says:

    I wish I could give you a high five and tell you in person how much I look up to you. I’m in awe of everything you’ve achieved and I know you will still do a great many things. So f* the rest of them. You’ve done you and got by just fine. So bigups to you, woman!

  2. nondie says:

    Yaaaaasssssssssss, I get it. I almost dont want to say we have brown girl problems, But… Evencually even us brown girls can’t take it anymore. You are doing great, keep doing You and You will be succesfull as You nobody else.

  3. Vee says:

    Sometimes people just need to know … That you are done now. It helps them appreciate you for who you are. Well done on having the guts to say it.

  4. Liscka says:

    Totally want to “like” your post – but they haven’t invented that yet lol here. You have accomplished so much it a short space in your life and well my person opinion – you are awesome, your work is to the T, original in everything you do – so just like “whatever” to the haters… there’s still a lot for them to hate on in the future so stuff them. You continue to do you – why try to prove yourself to people anyway, your opinion of yourself matters… that’s all

  5. Heather Step says:

    Hi Ella I admire you so much for so many things you have achieved. This blog. Your crafty creations. The meetups you organise. The job you do. The creative things you do with your son. The list goes on.
    But unfortunately I am also one of those who need approval. And it is a work in progress for me to stop needing people to like me. To just be enough. But I’m getting better.

  6. Ingeborg Jacobs says:

    Loving this…I had my moment during my divorce. This while my then 6yr old daughter lost one of her tooth(yes normal tnat age). I then realized while in all of my 34-yrs on this earth and 9yrs of now a failed marriage I could never “please” anyone. I would never be able to live up to their expectations as the “perfect” wife whatever or whoever she is lol. And while trying to live up to everyones ectations the toothfairy is out there collecting teeth and dropping off cash and mummy is losing out on all of that excitement. Losing out on the so welcomed innocence of my baby girl, and just enjoying the moment of being her perfect imperfect mummy. Right then and there I waved the white flag for myself.

    • ella says:

      Wow that is so deep coming from such a “normal” life experience…Raising a glass to pleasing ourselves (not at naughty as that sounds, hahaha)

  7. Saafia says:

    Dude, we are not even close friends but when people asked me if journalists actually are successful, on this side of South Africa, I always use you as an example. You are an inspiration to many people. We might not always say it, but it’s like you said, sometimes it comes across in a way that makes you feel your ability is undermined. You are awesome Eleanor. To hell with the haters! Continue to be fearless and successful…

  8. Sofia the 1st says:

    Me too !!!! I love love love this post !! So real. So raw. So ‘suck it’ . Stop it, i like it !

    Ps. I’m a fan

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