Standing up to the bully within

So I had a visit from a bully today.

She told me that I was a pep doll in a world of Barbies, you know the doll with the Mohawk, like it looks decent enough and then you play with it and the truth comes out. Not a quality product, just isn’t.

She said that she was super surprised that I seemed content in the life I have set up for myself. No giant house, no fleet of cars or frequent trips overseas.

She asked if I cry myself to sleep knowing that I left a prestigious career to become a uhm, “a what are you even?”

She asked if I weep into my closet of size six and eight designer clothes from a lifetime ago in the front row of fashion show after fashion show and if I’m really okay with my “kroes hair”

She wanted to know if I ever feel awkward with Rob and Aidan, as they are clearly way more attractive than I am. Do people ever mention how ill suited my aesthetic is to the rest of my family?

With tears in my eyes I tried to contemplate an answer where does one even begin to begin?

I felt like I needed to apologies to my inner child, the one with the potential and the body and voice people used to praise. I felt like I needed to explain myself. Why am I so pointless, so useless?

But every time I tried to reply to her I got interrupted

A message from my husband, sending me a picture of the supper I have waiting at home.

The memory of my son telling me that even if he was anyone else in the world he would try to find me to be his mom

Messages in my inbox from women who say insane things like , “thank you , you inspire me” , “Don’t stop doing what you are doing” , “ You have touched me”

A message from a friend who thinks I’m the only one who can help her with an issue

– A gift from someone who just happened to think of me

A funny picture or sweet voice note from people who care about me

My cousins thanking me for being an inspiration (crazy clearly runs in the family)

I look at my to-do list which changes every day. It challenges me and excites me and I realise that I’m pretty lucky, rather blessed and I don’t think my bully deserves a reply… Okay , maybe a quick one, so here goes…

Eleanor!! Stop it! Stop being a whiney biatch, stop seeing empty glasses and closed doors. Yes bad things happen, but the amount of good far outweighs that. You have chosen kindness when it comes to who you work with, what you do, and how you interact with people. For the love of all that’s good and MERCIFUL can you start choosing Kindness for yourself.

This isn’t me fishing for compliments, Infact I’m feeling so much better already. Sometimes you just need to write it out, breath it in and move on…

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