I am currently juggling four jobs – design and layout, freelance writing, blogging+blogging event and gift making.
Sometimes I get so trapped in the cycle of working and getting things done I totally neglect myself
Category: me moment
A change is a brewing
Flip I’m tired this morning
Went out last night and saw Dalin Oliver‘s show “I came I taught I left”…super funny BUT Since I’m old now and it was a week night I’m feeling ready for a nap.
So…I’ve gathered you all here for a bit of an announcement;
You know how I decided to ditch the 9-5 last year and do my own thing? Well it’s going well so well in fact I need to regroup and recalculate…. like a GPS
So what is Eleanor up to?
Actually No, I won’t stay in my lane
I’ve stayed in my lane FOR YEARS seriously did a whole post on it (sorta) for Ruth’s blog
But recently I find myself giving the lane allocators the stink eye
I don’t want to be in my lane, also who allocates lanes?
Reading my own obituary
It was my birthday yesterday and to be honest I’m one of those awkward birthday people. I’m never sure how to react to people being nice to me solely because I was born today…a few years ago.
Also I just don’t know how genuine any sentiment made through prompting from social media could really be.
This year I decided to stop being such a Debby downer (no offence to any optimistic Debby’s) and just take all the messages and calls and things as what they were “NICE”.
Except for the people who text HBD…that’s not nice…Dude how lazy are you?!? What’s HBD? Is that a tv channel? Is there a show on about lazy people?
My Dad’s family (his siblings and their kids) have a tradition that on birthdays we all get together and more often than not at least two people will get up and say why we as a family love and appreciate the birthday boy/girl (when Rob joined our family this freaked him out…He comes from a head nod, fist bump, love is implied family…so our sentimentality must have been very awkward).
Anyway yesterday I listened to those taking about me and decided to own their sentiments.
I decided to accept the compliments from my cousins and from friends calling,emailing,messaging and writing on my wall.
I decided to sift through the comments that felt “dictated by social norms” and read what message was coming through. “What would people be saying in my obituary?” and am I okay with that?
I got a lot of words like inspiring and encouraging (stifle an eye roll) loads of creative and funny (whaaaat) and even a couple of beautiful’s thrown in (side eye)
I decided not to be a bully to Eleanor on her birthday this year so I didn’t tell her that people just say things for the sake of saying things…maybe some of those messages were not heartfelt but most of them were (I’d like to think) maybe I have inspired or encouraged perhaps my creativity and humor are pluses and in the right light (with the right filter hahaha) I could be considered attractive.
I’m still uncomfortable with compliments, but this year I decided to own it! I work pretty hard at not being a jerk, so why shouldn’t I be okay with people saying…. good work on not being a jerk?
Anyway I’ve received some really heartfelt messages this year and think I’ll take it as a progress report…. I can always improve but the grade is not that sucky…
Thanks to everyone who made my birthday special. I appreciate you!!!
The unfortunate link between body mass and self worth
In an episode of Big Bang Theory Sheldon asked Penny “Is your body mass somehow tied into your self worth?” The answer? sadly yes
 |
| (www.freedigitalphotos.net) |
Getting ready for a funeral on Saturday I stood in the mirror where I found myself tugging and pulling and hoping I could somehow manipulate my clothes into not making me look like a smartly dressed sausage.
I glanced over at my mom, her small frame half reflecting in my mirror, and saw the same fear in her eyes…”what will people say?” She covered up and tugged and pulled with what I can only imagine was a hope of not “offending” and getting comments about her size.
And in that moment I thought of how body shaming was practically a form of abuse which you get subjected to on either side of the scale. Unless you’re the ideal body type…(then I dunno, I only know my less than ideal story,lol)
Weight has always been an issue with me…apart from a brief stint around 2008-2010 where I could actually go shopping and grab something off the rail,bypass the fitting room and pay for it with a “this looks about right” shrug, it’s always been a yo-yo situation around these parts.
Before my brief stint in “Averageville” I was a real skinnymirinx, looking back at pictures I was quite lollipop head looking actually … I recall padding my bra (cringe) and wearing two pants at a time to look more curvy, meanwhile my legs in boots looked like orchids in potplants.
I got gasps of “why are you so skinny”, “do you eat”, “you look like a little boy”, “you must shop in the kiddies section”, “you bf must have pedophile tendencies;you look 12…”
It hurt!
Kinda like it hurts my chubby thigh-ed, button popping self now when people comment;
“You eat so little,I’d expect you to be skinnier”, ” joh I hardly recognised you” and my personal favourite “sheesh what happened to you, you used to be so…”
“You eat so little,I’d expect you to be skinnier”, ” joh I hardly recognised you” and my personal favourite “sheesh what happened to you, you used to be so…”
– Body shaming is not a new thing I had “two mom’s” growing up…
First there was my biological mom who I watched having to defend her small stature time and time again…Her skinniness seemed to offend people. “How could a mother of three be so tiny? It’s insane I tell you”. Random women would find a way to work her size into most conversations.
First there was my biological mom who I watched having to defend her small stature time and time again…Her skinniness seemed to offend people. “How could a mother of three be so tiny? It’s insane I tell you”. Random women would find a way to work her size into most conversations.
Meanwhile my “other mom” my late Godmother, fought the opposite battle, she was always on some diet ALWAYS although she was undeniably beautiful her weight issues followed her around like a bully taunting her with the phrase “you’re not good enough”… oh you got another degree,another promotion,another achievement…pity you’re a fatty.
That was years ago but the sentiment remains the same, people are still mean.
I have turned down invitations to events (sorry guys) due to feeling “too fat to function” (Mean Girls reference) and fearing what people could say. Meanwhile I know of a friend who is in great shape (she wouldn’t agree) who gets nervous when choosing clothes because of snarky comments which range from … “must be nice to be able to gym so much” to “could you dress sexier maybe”… All with the “intention” of “just kidding”
I have turned down invitations to events (sorry guys) due to feeling “too fat to function” (Mean Girls reference) and fearing what people could say. Meanwhile I know of a friend who is in great shape (she wouldn’t agree) who gets nervous when choosing clothes because of snarky comments which range from … “must be nice to be able to gym so much” to “could you dress sexier maybe”… All with the “intention” of “just kidding”
I wish people could just lay off each other…I just wish we could all just support each other (men and women) and work on being healthy and for heavens sake stop being meanies…
I’m guilty too…I’d get defensive after being called out at looking like a stick figure and would remark to a friend that so and so is one to talk with her big booty. More recently I’d think that so and so had quite a nerve to call me fat when Victoria secret wasn’t exactly knocking on their door… its not nice, I’m not proud…
These days I’m making a conscious decision to find something beautiful in everyone I see especially in myself, because quite honestly, I have the decency to think snarky things about others and keep it in my head, but with myself I use it like ammunition which no armor can fend off.
“look at you, you are disgusting”, “heels? really? you look like an elephant in stilts”, “why do you even exercise, its in your genes, you are destined to be a fatty”
Here is a collage of me over the past 8 or so years… I’ve been every size but I’ve never been really happy… I think it’s time I stop tying my self worth into my body mass (currently I’m the size in the chair, sigh)…the buck stops here (it would help if people stopped being asshats though, just saying)
Why I blog…
Skinner van myself/Spread rumours about myself
People often ask me (and fellow bloggers) why they would be so open with their lives, I guess everyone has their own reason…here is mine
WHY NOT!
If I was doing something shady I might not be as open about my weekends – seeing as visits to the park would be replaced with human trafficking and that would be oh so AWKWARD for you all!
But honestly, I blog for the mom who lost her child and who doesn’t know that it’s totally okay to cry and wish you were dead and hate everyone for a moment or a few moments (Even if it’s years later) and then be happy again.
I blog for the mom who has a kid after loss and is a morbid mess wondering when this one will die. I blog so that she knows she is not alone and knows that it’s okay to love again.
I blog for the little girl who thought she had the worst hair in the world because it’s not straight and can’t be tamed by a mere brush and now has no idea how to untangle her mane (loads of conditioner people)
I blog for the craft lover who wants to make things because making things rock and sales on stationery are SO GREAT! But DIY on a budget is even better.
I blog for the woman struggling to stick to a diet and exercise program and struggling to stretch her buck – because that’s me.
I blog for the mom who is not too sure if she any good at this moming thing.
I blog because I’m an average everyday woman who thinks, hey “why not me?”
This is why I blog because I have a thousand thoughts in my mind and no filter.
I don’t mind that people know I struggle with depression and anxiety or that I would rather hide the dishes when you come over than wash them – because I’m lazy and I don’t mind that people know I’m human.
I’m fallible, oh so fallible, a little too fallible but I’m also talented (don’t you dare roll your eyes at me) and sometimes I’m funny (not when I want to be though *crickets*). Whether I’m at home eating simba chips on bread or I’m out eating sushi with rose water mojitos, I usually have something to say and this blog is the place I get to say it.
I can have deep conversations about socio-economic causes and even deeper ones about kiddies party décor.
Basically I love writing and that’s why I blog.
I love interacting with people and I love having people interact with me and this right here is why I blog… because: WHY NOT
