The unfortunate link between body mass and self worth

In an episode of Big Bang Theory Sheldon asked Penny “Is your body mass somehow tied into your self worth?” The answer? sadly yes


Getting ready for a funeral on Saturday I stood in the mirror where I found myself tugging and pulling and hoping I could somehow manipulate my clothes into not making me look like a smartly dressed sausage.
 I glanced over at my mom, her small frame half reflecting in my mirror, and saw the same fear in her eyes…”what will people say?” She covered up and tugged and pulled with what I can only imagine was a hope of not “offending” and getting comments about her size.

And in that moment I thought of how body shaming was practically a form of abuse which you get subjected to on either side of the scale. Unless you’re the ideal body type…(then I dunno, I only know my less than  ideal story,lol)

Weight has always been an issue with me…apart from a brief stint around 2008-2010 where I could actually go shopping and grab something off the rail,bypass the fitting room and pay for it with a “this looks about right” shrug, it’s always been a yo-yo situation around these parts.

Before my brief stint in “Averageville”  I was a real skinnymirinx, looking back at pictures I was quite lollipop head looking actually … I recall padding my bra (cringe) and wearing two pants at a time to look more curvy, meanwhile my legs in boots looked like orchids in potplants.

I got gasps of “why are you so skinny”, “do you eat”, “you look like a little boy”, “you must shop in the kiddies section”, “you bf must have pedophile tendencies;you look 12…”
It hurt!

Kinda like it hurts my chubby thigh-ed, button popping self now when people comment;
“You eat so little,I’d expect you to be skinnier”, ” joh I hardly recognised you” and my personal favourite “sheesh what happened to you, you used to be so…”

– Body shaming is not a new thing I had “two mom’s” growing up…
First there was my biological mom who I watched having to defend her small stature time and time again…Her skinniness seemed to offend people. “How could a mother of three be so tiny? It’s insane I tell you”. Random women would find a way to work her size into most conversations.

Meanwhile my “other mom” my late Godmother, fought the opposite battle, she was always on some diet ALWAYS although she was undeniably beautiful her weight issues followed her around like a bully taunting her with the phrase “you’re not good enough”… oh you got another degree,another promotion,another achievement…pity you’re a fatty.

That was years ago but the sentiment remains the same, people are still mean.
I have turned down invitations to events (sorry guys) due to feeling “too fat to function” (Mean Girls reference) and fearing what people could say. Meanwhile I know of a friend who is in great shape (she wouldn’t agree) who gets nervous when choosing clothes because of snarky comments which range from … “must be nice to be able to gym so much” to “could you dress sexier maybe”… All with the “intention” of “just kidding”

I wish people could just lay off each other…I just wish we could all just support each other (men and women) and work on being healthy and for heavens sake stop being meanies…

I’m guilty too…I’d get defensive after being called out at looking like a stick figure and would remark to a friend that so and so is one to talk with her big booty. More recently I’d think that so and so had quite a nerve to call me fat when Victoria secret wasn’t exactly knocking on their door… its not nice, I’m not proud…

These days I’m making a conscious decision to find something beautiful in everyone I see especially in myself, because quite honestly, I have the decency to think snarky things about others and keep it in my head, but with myself I use it like ammunition which no armor can fend off.
“look at you, you are disgusting”, “heels? really? you look like an elephant in stilts”, “why do you even exercise, its in your genes, you are destined to be a fatty”

Here is a collage of me over the past 8 or so years… I’ve been every size  but I’ve never been really happy… I think it’s time I stop tying my self worth into my body mass (currently I’m the size in the chair, sigh)…the buck stops here (it would help if people stopped being asshats though, just saying)

7 thoughts on “The unfortunate link between body mass and self worth

  1. says:

    You are beautiful and if you spent half as much energy on learning to love yourself as you do obsessing over being the "ideal" size then you will quickly discover a new kind of happiness.
    We always tend to undervalue our bodies because of how they look but we forget the beautiful things that they do for us – they take us where we need to go, they allow us to touch and feel, they are so reliable unless we abuse them, which we do by hating on them.
    Good luck on your journey to self love.

  2. suddenlyamom says:

    I'm as guilty as they come for hating the way I look. But, I just want to put it out there, that being sick really changes your perspective. Suddenly, I would just be grateful for a body that works like it should. My internal dialogues now sound a bit more like, "Ok, I'll have the roll on my stomach, if you take the cancer away." All I'm saying is that, when we have perspective, things change. Padding, a few bones, curves, dimples, freckles, pimples, skew teeth…what do they REALLY matter? You have a family that loves you, a job that inspires you, and friends that really mean something. That doesn't mean you're not hot. You are GORGEOUS, inside and out. It just means that this body is our suitcase. It's not who we are.

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