Is this the burnout people warned me about?

Burnout

I think I’m heading for “burnout” and I’m not sure how to stop it

I have not had an independent thought in weeks, months maybe.

This sounds crazy right? Well maybe I’m wording it wrong…let me explain

I have not just thought about nothing, read for reading sake or even chatted to a friend for chatting sake

Everything I do is because I need to/ have to/ am supposed to

Seriously even in the shower I’m not thinking, ooh this smells good, yummy body wash… I’m making lists of what to do when I get out of the shower

I’m ALWAYS working, planning, doing, hustling, designing, organizing.

OMW! I just realised that all I really want is to be in the exact moment. I wish I knew how to slow down – guilt free – how to truly unplug without the looming thought that someone might really need me and I would have missed THAT call THAT message.

Even as I type this I am in between finishing a project and thinking about how I am going to tackle the next

My yoga and pilates DVDs go un played because really who has the time to sit still and stretch, really?

Oh my word when did I become this person? No wonder I am constantly tired. (Maybe I’m truly a 9 to 5er , who knows)

I’m always worried about someone (it’s more than one at a time if I’m honest). I also always have someone counting on me for something or other.  It’s not because I am a walkover  (well not anymore) It is because I have so many amazing people in my life,people that will bend over backwards and drop everything for me so it’s my duty of sorts to be there for them.

This causes me to carry this overwhelming guilt … “am I too busy for my friends and family?”

I can never catch up over  coffee because you best believe I will get like 5 “must reply now” emails while I sit there.

We usually have so much to catch up on but we cant really because in all likelihood the only “coffee date” I managed to somehow squeeze into my schedule is doubling as a business meeting.

I’m tired and oh the guilt. If it’s not my husband and son feeling neglected , it is my friends and family.

At any given time I would have heard one of the following phrases a thousand times, “slow down, breath, take it easy, put down your phone, log off, log out”

But I can’t, can I? because I need to keep going I need to make those ends meet, I need to stay relevant. I need to stay ontop of things.

There are a thousand people who do what I do. if I don’t do it, they find someone else who will. Also as I am essentially working for myself I need to keep up to date with invoices and make sure that I’ve worked enough shifts, completed enough orders, written enough articles to make ends meet.

I put out fires, the whole day every day. Meanwhile I just feel so bad when things don’t work out like when I have to miss meetings or when I feel sick, or my boys are ill or something goes wrong with my payments (that’s just this morning btw)

I feel like I’m always doing and never being.

Oh how I long to just be… (don’t dare tell me, to just do it, I’m not a Nike product and life isn’t that easy, especially when you are living with anxiety)

I’m working on it, but right now before I tackle my midday deadline, after taking the whole family to the dr, right now, I’m going to just lay here on my bed, dressed up for a meeting I’m missing and just be…because it’s too early to start really doing anyway

 

3 thoughts on “Is this the burnout people warned me about?

  1. Juwayra says:

    This sounds so me…lol…always running around like a headless chicken for everybody else. Sometimes it helps when I just switch off for half a day doing entirely nothing. hehehe..

  2. Dané says:

    I know this sounds like a just another person making suggestions that doesnt really understand, but have you considered seeing a therapist/psychologist on a regular basis? Make it a 2weekly or a monthly scheduled thing, that you can’t just ignore, and take that 30mins/1hour to just unload onto someone else, to find a safe place to let go, even if you pick up your hectic life again the moment you walk out of that office. I’ve had multiple people in my family suffer from burnout, and I’ve seen firsthand how if they can’t take care of themselves, they get to a point where they can no longer care for anyone else and then the wheels really come off!
    All the best and hang in there!!

    • Ella says:

      Hey Dane thanks so much for taking the time out to chat to me I do actually see someone. Was reluctant at first but realised I need to take care of me of I want to take care of my husband and son… It’s been very helpful

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