I think I’m heading for “burnout” and I’m not sure how to stop it
I have not had an independent thought in weeks, months maybe.
This sounds crazy right? Well maybe I’m wording it wrong…let me explain
I have not just thought about nothing, read for reading sake or even chatted to a friend for chatting sake
Everything I do is because I need to/ have to/ am supposed to
Seriously even in the shower I’m not thinking, ooh this smells good, yummy body wash… I’m making lists of what to do when I get out of the shower
I’m ALWAYS working, planning, doing, hustling, designing, organizing.
OMW! I just realised that all I really want is to be in the exact moment. I wish I knew how to slow down – guilt free – how to truly unplug without the looming thought that someone might really need me and I would have missed THAT call THAT message.
Even as I type this I am in between finishing a project and thinking about how I am going to tackle the next
My yoga and pilates DVDs go un played because really who has the time to sit still and stretch, really?
Oh my word when did I become this person? No wonder I am constantly tired. (Maybe I’m truly a 9 to 5er , who knows)
I’m always worried about someone (it’s more than one at a time if I’m honest). I also always have someone counting on me for something or other. It’s not because I am a walkover (well not anymore) It is because I have so many amazing people in my life,people that will bend over backwards and drop everything for me so it’s my duty of sorts to be there for them.
This causes me to carry this overwhelming guilt … “am I too busy for my friends and family?”
I can never catch up over coffee because you best believe I will get like 5 “must reply now” emails while I sit there.
We usually have so much to catch up on but we cant really because in all likelihood the only “coffee date” I managed to somehow squeeze into my schedule is doubling as a business meeting.
I’m tired and oh the guilt. If it’s not my husband and son feeling neglected , it is my friends and family.
At any given time I would have heard one of the following phrases a thousand times, “slow down, breath, take it easy, put down your phone, log off, log out”
But I can’t, can I? because I need to keep going I need to make those ends meet, I need to stay relevant. I need to stay ontop of things.
There are a thousand people who do what I do. if I don’t do it, they find someone else who will. Also as I am essentially working for myself I need to keep up to date with invoices and make sure that I’ve worked enough shifts, completed enough orders, written enough articles to make ends meet.
I put out fires, the whole day every day. Meanwhile I just feel so bad when things don’t work out like when I have to miss meetings or when I feel sick, or my boys are ill or something goes wrong with my payments (that’s just this morning btw)
I feel like I’m always doing and never being.
Oh how I long to just be… (don’t dare tell me, to just do it, I’m not a Nike product and life isn’t that easy, especially when you are living with anxiety)
I’m working on it, but right now before I tackle my midday deadline, after taking the whole family to the dr, right now, I’m going to just lay here on my bed, dressed up for a meeting I’m missing and just be…because it’s too early to start really doing anyway