I am almost always covered in a thin layer of guilt. a film of guilt floats on top of the ocean of my soul as if I have had an oil spill and now have a bunch of helpful vegetarians on gap year trying to save penguins in the inner recesses of my mind.
I was reading this meme yesterday that said something like “stop being friends with people who don’t check up on you regularly”. I’m one of those people, I envisioned every friend, family member and acquaintance unfriending me in real life after reading that. See I’m not good with keeping in touch. I mean we already established that I’m a sucky friend. So the guilt is somewhat warranted.
I am not good with checking in unless your picture pops up on my social media feed. I spend my days working and my nights half working. I haven’t had a “proper break” in like two years and the other day I had so much caffeine (to keep going) that I could physically feel my heart beat in my chest. I also may or may not have have a mental breakdown somewhere in November.
Although I haven’t popped in in a while,I do care though. I see you post a picture of your child and I hate myself for being shocked at how big they are now. I realise that your hair looks different and berate myself because I can’t recall what it looked like before this. I hate that i have to cut my days into tiny little sections to get all my tasks to fit in which ultimately means I can no longer chat over dessert and then catch up tomorrow and berate ourselves for eating dessert.
I even feel guilty for feeling guilty and heaven forbid I do something with friend A then suddenly I feel like I somehow betrayed friend B.
My guilt consumes me, it’s always been a symptom of my anxiety anyway. I’ve felt some form of guilt almost constantly since I can remember feeling anything. Lately my guilt has faces. The faces of people who I love dearly but have not had time for, but until I fill my own cup I won’t be able to pour anything for anyone. I try anyway and end up a dried out husk with nothing but dust to give to my ever so patient boys.
I’m working on switching off, on smelling the roses for more than just a review, to read more than instructions and to take a damn nap without laying there for 40minutes listing things I could have better spent my time on…
I am working on it but usually my guilt eats at me at around 1am when it’s too late to do anything about it.
Dear friend,Just know that although I don’t always show it I care deeply and just pray that you never forget that even though I don’t always reach out, I am forever in your reach.