I hate the concept of being fake, I have always loathed it. No matter what, there was one thing that people could never take away from me, my authenticity. I pride myself on phrases like “Eleanor you are exactly like I expected you to be” or “Eleanor you are always you, no matter what”. But things have changed.
Don’t get me wrong, I still do things with the same motivation, with the same heart, with the same end goal. It’s just that I have been doing a lot of play acting lately and I don’t like it…
in fact, I’m fake and I hate it.
Let me give you some context. I have had a lot of friendships implode on me in the last year. A lot of trust circles have become squares of mistrust, hahaha, is that a thing? It is now. People I thought loved me have been revealed as barely tolerating me and it has made me tense AF. Back on meds, tense. Nightmares and paranoia tense.
A lot of this has to do with me suffering from anxiety. My inner child is being bullied by my outer child (this is not a scientific thing) but it sounds right. So what happens is that I HATE! Hurting people, it physically hurts me. I’ve chatted about my anxiety before. Well, hurting others is like the thing I hate most in the world and it doesn’t even matter if they hurt me first.
I lash out, I’m human. But best believe, me defending myself will literally hurt me way more than it hurts you and for way longer. So I have become fake. I interact with people who don’t like me with a giant smile on my face, I chat with my haters and I check and double check my messages on whatsapp in case I get screen shot out of context. I see you trolling me, I’m not unaware of your shade, seriously, I’m smarter than I look.
I’m blinking back tears as I make jokes , self deprecating humour is my jam, and I act like I’m hunky dory when I actually don’t trust more than eight (unrelated) people in my life, sorry it’s true.
Even this post I know people are going to read it and at least two come to mind who will take this as me looking for attention again. A couple will wonder if it’s about them and a whole bunch will roll their eyes.
And you know what at this point I don’t give a damn, and I don’t care if you are talking to me and wondering if I’m being fake. Here is a little test you can do. If you have bad mouthed me, back stabbed me or were generally a douche to me in the last few months then probably yes. I’m faking it because I’m too chicken sh#t to confront you. But those of you who are real with me I’m real with you. I’m like a puppy when it comes to love and forgiveness and will continue being me, with you.
But ja, this fakeness is starting to exhaust me so I see some ghosting in my future because I am just tired man.
At this point I’m just quoting Dr Seuss “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”
Believing (the jury is still out)